Happy New Year! I’m sure many of you have written out your goals and have started working towards making them happen. I know some of us have “to get married by so so time” as one of such goals. Infact, some of the people with such goals have fixed dates “in faith” and don’t even have a partner yet!
Having said that, many people venture into marriage without being prepared. Don’t go into it simply because you have advanced in age or your friends are now daddies or mummies. Many people need clarity as to how to measure if indeed they’re ready for marriage. The major
preparation towards marriage has to happen in the mind. When there’s understanding as to what it entails, unrealistic expectations will fly out of the window and a person will act wisely.
Are you really ready for marriage? I’ll highlight clearly a few points that you can use to measure if you are ready for marriage or not. Be informed that the list is inexhaustible and we’ll look at more points in the course of the year:
1) If you believe strongly that you must always have the last say in an argument, you’re not ready for marriage.
2) If you don’t like anyone invading your space, you’re not ready.
3) If you’re a lady, and you don’t cook or don’t like to, your marriage is not likely to be easy or funny.
4) If you always say things exactly how they come to your mind not caring who is hurt, you’re headed for a rocky and ultimately likely to crash marriage.
5) If you believe that you’re who you are and no one can change that, you’re not ready.
6) If you think about others only when you’ve fully sorted yourself out, you’re not ready.
7) If you are so good at holding a grudge and you’ll only let go when you feel like, stay unmarried.
8) If you’re a man and you’re not engaged in ventures or a process in time that can financially take care of your immediate family and beyond, you need to give yourself a few more years to be ready.
9) If you believe that women at best should be good in bed and kitchen affairs only, you’ll end up having a bitter and subdued wife; stay away.
10) If your mind can’t conceive the thought of having a more successful wife, even if it’s temporary, then you have a
little growing up to do. Welcome to the real world, stuff happens.
11) If as a man, you’re easily swayed and pressurized to do things against your wish, you’re not ready for marriage.
12) If you have no confidence in your capability and your future, you have no business taking someone else with you.
13) If as a man, you don’t have a mentor or leader you follow, listen or defer to, you’re not going to be able to lead your family.
14) If you can’t have a wedding ceremony within a budget you can personally afford, give yourself more time. Who says you can’t have 20 guests or less at your wedding? Cut your coat according to your cloth and take responsibility. As a man, you can define how small or large you want your wedding ceremony to be and be able to handle it.
15) If you have an anger problem such that you can destroy things when you’re angry, get a therapist to help you through managing it. Otherwise, engage God’s help for the change you seek. With anger issues, you’re disaster waiting to explode.
Are you really ready for marriage? Are you an old boy or a man? Are you an old girl or a lady? Are you matured? Are you emotionally stable?
Watch out for Part 2 of this article. Chew on these points and equip yourself with knowledge that will give you a healthy and balanced mindset as regards marriage. You want to get into marriage and not have to experience shocks
15 reasons why you aren’t ready for marriage by Mrs Temitope Akinyemi
Every Relationship is a Dance! By Oyinkansola Alabi
A dance teacher told me once that she could see a couple’s entire relationship on the dance floor. When someone’s toes got stepped on (and they did – we were all beginners) – she could see how how some people blamed their partner, while others apologized and let it go. Some stopped the lessons before they got to be good at it, while others had fun learning and adjusting to how their partners moved.
Every relationship is a dance. In the beginning, it can be easy to
move to the music with your partner. But over time, things change.
Maybe it’s a simple misunderstanding, and one of you feels hurt. Perhaps the change comes from something that you’ve been hoping for — a child, or a promotion. Or it could come from a major challenge, like
an illness or a job loss. Wherever it comes from, something happens,
and the music changes. You and your partner step on each others toes. Changes, enjoyable and difficult, are a part of life and of every
couple’s relationship. But how you handle them makes the difference between a relationship that comes apart…or grows stronger.
Sue Johnson, in her book “Hold Me Tight,” says that humans are wired to need emotional connection. Love, she argues, is “the continual search for a basic, secure connection with someone else.” Soldiers,
she points out, are sent into war with a buddy. Research shows that
cancer patients who join a support group have better survival rates. People in happy marriages are more resistant to illness and are more healthyoverall than people in distressed relationships.
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Fight or Flight in Relationships
Humans seem to be wired for connection, and we react quickly and deeply to the threat of its loss. Loss of connection with someone we
love sends an alarm straight to the amygdala, the so-called “fear
center” of our brain. Our “fight or flight” response kicks into gear before we are aware of what really happened. Johnson explains that arguments are really protests against this loss, whether it is real or
perceived. Whether we get angry (fight) or shut down (flight), she argues, underneath we are really scared.
When things aren’t going so well, it helps to take a few minutes to understand what’s going on. When you feel angry, are you also sad,
lonely, or scared? When you feel like leaving the room, is it the only
way you can find to calm things down?
Dance Steps that Build Connection
Here are some steps – some rituals of connection — that will help you get through those difficult moments:
Be honest. Take a moment to sort through your feelings. Let your
partner know something about how you feel and what you need.
Respond. Recognize that it’s often hard to be honest about feelings. When your partner reaches out, take a moment to understand and respond to your partner’s mood.
Touch. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing build connection. A hand on your partner’s arm feels comforting. Sitting on the sofa talking or reading can help you relax together. Take time — often — to make
physical contact.
Build rituals of connection into your daily life. Spend time with each other before you part in the morning, when you come together again in
the evening, and before you go to sleep. Find time to share your day with each other, every day. Plan a weekly date, or a quarterly vacation.
Life is full of challenges, changes in the music, which can take a toll on your relationship. But by being responsive to your partner, by learning steps that build connection, you can create a new relationship
As I work with couples in my practice, I still think about what my dance teacher said, years ago, about relationships. Those lessons from the dance floor have helped me understand how relationships work.
The Powers of Communication! By Oyinkansola Alabi
I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore, so will you marry me?
“Two monologues do not make a dialogue”- Jeff Daley
Good communication within a couple is a pretty complicated thing. Everyone seems to understand what communication is per se, yet few people are really good at it.
Books and dictionaries of all sorts and kinds define communication as “the dynamic process through which people try to convey meaning to one another”. Since language is the form of communication specific to us human beings, we tend to rely solely on it when we communicate, which is not really constructive.
Communication often has less to do with the words you use and more to do with their underlying meaning. We talked in the previous chapter about the importance of non-verbal communication, without which messages aren’t always received as they were meant to in the first place. Think about the times your girlfriend or wife shouted angrily at you: “It’s not
what you said; it’s how you said it.” I bet you didn’t know what she was talking about.
Yes, the power of language is immense. Communicating correctly, using nice words to make your partner feel that you care about her, helps you both reconnect to your inner feelings of affection, and insure the process of bonding. Simple sentences like, “You’re gorgeous”, “You get prettier every day”, “I love talking to you”, “You make my life better”, etc., help you cultivate the quality of affection and kindness, but words are not all there is when it comes to communication.
The way you communicate influences how close and intimate you get with your partner. The first three types will have negative effects on your couple life, and soon your relationship will grow devitalized and the goal of closeness is not going to be met.
As George Bernard Shaw pointed out, “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”. You might think that you’re doing plenty of talking, but the question is, are you doing it the right way? Or the right moment? Dr. Laurence J. Peter said at one time something that made me smile, but also get concerned: “Speak when you are angry- and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”</p
It is important that you follow a few basic rules in order to truly get your partner to understand what you are trying to say. To help you, I’ve described them bellow.
Rock solid principles for good communication
Be empathetic. Basically, this means to see things from your partner’s perspective also. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot pointed this out in one of their analysis on couple bliss: “Research has shown that 90% of our struggles in relationships would be resolved if we did nothing more than see problems from our partner’s perspective. Empathy is the heart loving.” If your partner feels that you understand her and that you are willing to work each issue as a team, she’ll feel safer and more secure when sharing things with you.
Be a good listener. Listening is the language of love, popular culture says. If you’ll do more listening and less lecturing, you’ll be more productive as far as healthy communication is concerned. After all, we have two ears and just one mouth for a pretty good reason. So, whenever you feel like interrupting your partner in order to say what you think,
stop and just listen till the end. The conversation will run smoother this way and you’ll end up getting along better. I know that it is not easy, especially when you think you have the right answer and if you’d just let it out in the open the whole problem will go away,
but it’s the constructive thing to do if you want to build trust and intimacy in your couple. If you want to know specifically how to be a good listener, check out my list of The Seven Qualities of a Great Listener:
I sincerely want to listen to her point of view
I am willing to accept her feeling and emotions, whether I consider them wrong or not
I don’t always want to be right
I’m willing to develop a non-judgmental attitude
I’m making eye contact and relying on the soothing powers of touch
I’m showing appreciation of the fact that she’s trusting me with her confidences
I will not only listen, but be supportive all the way, for as long as she needs me
Express your expectations. If you’re not telling your partner what exactly you want from her, how is she going to know? We’re not mind readers here! Don’t expect your partner to just “get it” and behave like you’d want her to behave. Be specific about your expectations, tell her exactly what you are looking for. Clarity and honesty is key when it
comes to good communication. If you are courageous enough to speak the truth, you might be surprised about the positive outcome of your act. Bill Hybels said it best: “It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your partner, ”.
Have a sensual week
The secret to Sexual Anticipation! By Oyinkansola Alabi
How many times have you charged in for the main course without whetting your appetite? Don’t assume foreplay is merely a polite starter before tucking into your meat and two veg. If you know how to tantalize each other’s taste buds, you’ll savor the sex even more.
Don’t think that you are doing this as a favor to her. Despite what you might have heard, foreplay is enjoyable for you too, just as much as it is for her. There’s something oh-so-sexy about anticipation, so instead of stampeding in for the grand finale, check out my guide for erotic foreplay. Tease your woman right and you’ll have her begging for more.
Here are five top moves to unleash on her. Remember, no penetration allowed… yet.
Foreplay move #1
Learn to give good phone sex
With a single call, you can get her so aroused at her desk she’ll be cutting short her afternoon faster than you can say “dentist’s appointment”. Before you call, pick your tone: flirty, seductive, romantic, macho, dominator. And do the same for the language: street, subtle, crass. When she answers, stay silent for a few seconds. Then, in your sexiest voice, describe how you’d like her to kiss you, touch and undress you. Then take her through the finer details of how you’re going to give her the most amazing oral sex ever. Non-verbal communication is a good element too. You can groan and moan, but you can also breath, stay silent and then tell her what you just did to yourself. By the time you hang up you’ll have her so hot, her main problem will be hiding the fast breathing from colleagues as she sneaks away from her desk with a head full of wicked thoughts.
Foreplay move #2
Kiss for, like, ages…
Remember when you were a teen and you kissed until your partner in crime got stubble rash? Don’t underestimate the power of the smooch now that you’re all grown up. Get cozy on the couch and kiss without it leading to anything else (and yes, that means no hand up her top). Try kissing around the edges of the lips, then run the tip of your tongue oven them. The longer you can delay before inserting your tongue, the more sensual it will be. Lift her face and teasingly kiss her around the chin and jaw, moving down to the sensitive areas of the neck and throat. If you really can’t resist taking your tongues further afield, extend your passion to a tongue bath: where you cover every inch of your lover’s body with kisses. Blindfold her it she fancies it, then make her lie still while you go to work caressing and nibbling.
Foreplay move #3
Flirt with food
Bearing in mind that women have healthy appetites as well, though they try to hide it for fear of losing their figure, what more deliciously inappropriate a place to unleash your inner passion that a restaurant? While you’re reading the menu, play footsie with her under the table. She’ll be pleasantly surprised and curious about what’s next. Take her hand in yours and kiss and lick it, slowly, sensually, feed her bits of your dessert and, when the meal is over, ask for a bottle of wine to go and another piece of that cake she liked so much. Being tactile and suggestive without being able to have full body contact fires up the sexual energy between you two. Just one tip: keep it subtle.
Foreplay move #4
Have a clothes encounter
Another nostalgic trip to teenage times, the “dry hump” was when you rubbed up against each other so hard you could have started a camp fire. In this case, when nakedness is the norm, doing it clothed can deliver a certain illicit thrill. Simulate all the moves you would perform if you were nude, but stop yourself from shedding a single sock. The dry hump also recreates that feeling when you thought you’d go crazy if you didn’t get inside her right now. The advantage is that, this time, her parents are unlikely to walk in on you.
Foreplay move #5
The great strip-off
All right, for this one you do get to take your clothes off. You, not her. Yes, you’ve read it correctly, I’m asking you to do a little striptease for a change. The crucial maxim when stripping for someone is to forget about being self conscious. Trust me, she isn’t going to think you’re an idiot when she’s getting her own private sexy show. Remember, you’re the prize, so peel off each layer s-l-o-w-l-y. Set the scene by playing sensual music, then strut your stuff. I know you’ve got it! She’ll sense you’re making quite the big effort and that you want things to be hot between the two of you, but, most importantly, you’re ready to put up with your end of the bargain. Next, hotter than hot sex!
Can you talk to your wife or husband about anything? by Oyinkansola Alabi
Can you talk to your wife or husband about anything? Can you go to them about your struggles? Can they come to you about their struggles? To those in marital covenants (husband and wife), you should be able to pray with your spouse through whatever struggles that come your way, no matter the struggle. There should be honesty in your marriage like no other relationship you have. If you have an intimate relationship with Christ, you should ALSO have an intimate relationship with your husband or wife.
I remember early on in our marriage I was struggling with LUST. Even though I had married my husband and was being totally fulfilled sexually, I still had this issue. I was working in the mortgage industry at the time and was working with a client who was “nice on the eyes”. Being that I had to check out so many things about him, I found out this guy had great credit, was in the military, had no children and had lots of what we called “Man Toys” (motorcycles, fast and furious racing cars and loads of electronics) and those THINGS really caught my attention. This guy knew I was married, but he flirted with me every time I had to call him about his deal or when he came to my office. His advances were beyond flattering as now I was beginning to have impure thoughts about him and I had not even been married 6 months. I had set up an appointment to meet him at a house for sale so he could make his decision on if he was buying it or not. I knew in my heart what was going to happen if he and I met at the house alone but I wanted to go anyway. My thoughts were wrong and I was convicted, but my flesh wanted what it wanted and it wanted to be fulfilled. That day I got off work knowing what was planned the next day, knowing that it would not be just be a meeting with this guy to look at a house, but it would have been a premeditated act of adultery.
Instead of walking into our apartment loving on my husband like normal, I told him that I needed to talk to him right away. My husband dropped everything he was doing to listen to me and I just poured my heart out to him in tears. I knew what I was saying was hurting him. For a husband to hear that his wife had been thinking immorally about another man was one thing, but for him to hear that it was planned to “meet and cheat” was another. I didn’t know if his heart was breaking. I didn’t know if he would be so mad that he would leave me. I just didn’t know how he would respond to my confession. But I had to get this out and I had to get this out to HIM! Not to a friend, not to an acquaintance, not to a family member, but to MY COVERING! I sat there with crocodile tears rolling down my face, crying so hard but telling my husband EVERYTHING! I told him how I wanted to give into my flesh, how I had been thinking and lusting after this guy, and even about the meeting that was set for the next day. I told it ALL! And then I said words he and I will never forget. I said, “If you don’t pray for me, I am going to fall away”!
At that very moment, I saw a look in my husband’s eyes that I had never seen before. It was like all the hurt he was feeling was gone. It was like the authority that he has in Christ just took over. Before I could say another word, he grabbed me in his arms, hugged me and prayed for me like no one had EVER prayed for me before. I’m not one to say you feel a lot of things happening spiritually when in prayer, but that time when he prayed, I literally felt something lift from me. The more he prayed, the more I cried and the more we embraced. By the end of the prayer we were both in tears, his shirt was drenched and I KNEW I was free! I just knew it! Of course sex was next and it was (at that time) the most passionate, reassuring and confirming sex we had had because it was like it sealed the deal that there would be NO ADULTERY in our marriage, not even the “Look of the Eye” adultery talked about in Matt 5:28 and Job 31:1. Afterwards while we held each other he said, “No secrets. You always come to me and I will always come to you and we will pray each other through”. I said to him, “Always. No matter what it is, we will be honest”! And I thanked him for loving me through instead of being mad and upset! And we have been that way ever since, even through our trials, we’re honest. Even if it takes a few days before we say anything, we are still HONEST!
We stand on God’s word, especially James 5:16! It doesn’t matter where you are in your marriage, if you BOTH are believers, you should be able to go to each other in HONESTY, share your struggles and PRAY for each other! I know this is another long one because yes I could write all day (lol) but I just feel it pressed upon my heart to share about “confessing and praying in marriage” because many couples are not praying as they should! You never know when you will have to pray your husband or wife through! You never know when your husband or wife will be struggling with something unless you can go to each other about anything and pray each other through! There have been times we have had to put our feelings aside and just PRAY for each other! I say all of that to say you should always be able to go to God and then to your spouse! But the questions are DO YOU? And if not, WILL YOU?
Help! I have found the true meaning of Romance…By Oyinkansola Alabi
It is very useful to take time and pause for conscious reflection upon the real meaning of romance in intimate relationships. From the time we are young children, we listen wide-eyed to fairy tales of beautiful princesses being swept off their feet by charming princes who take them away to a better life where they live ”happily ever after.” Their romance is intense, passionate, dramatic, intoxicating and transformative. Their love is able to surmount all sorts of obstacles – financial and ethnic differences, monsters and goblins, evil kings and queens – because they know in their hearts they have found the one true love they will spend the rest of their lives with. As we grow up, we hear this wonderful theme repeated endlessly in cartoons, movies, romance novels and hit songs. We grow very fond of this sweet tale, and can’t wait until the day when Cupid’s arrow hits its mark squarely in our hearts.
And then it happens! We look into another’s eyes and something wonderful and mysterious overtakes us. We feel a great joy and spontaneity that we’ve never felt before. Innocently and completely, we surrender to this awesome energy. We have found our soul mate, our one true partner who will fulfill all our needs unconditionally, and our hearts and souls will dance and sing for all eternity.
But then it dawns on us, sometimes slowly and imperceptibly, other times instantly and bluntly: there will be no ”happily ever after” in this relationship. We experience conflict, anger, disappointment and hurt. What was once easy and effortless is now difficult and painful. What happened?
Alas, the story of romantic love as a road map for an entire relationship is a myth that leads almost everyone to despair. The wonderful infatuation we experience in the beginning of a new romantic relationship is in actuality a period of grace bestowed upon us to give us a vision of possibilities of who we can be and how we can love. Our hearts open fully, our fears giving way to remarkable acts of tenderness and unselfish caring. Easily and spontaneously, both people temporarily become the lovers they always knew they could be. Romantic love is real and genuine, but only as an initial visionary stage of intimate connection. In fact, research by Dr. Liberty Kovacs shows that romantic love is by far the shortest stage in long-term relationships. Inevitably, as it is supposed to, something happens and suddenly we are back in reality, in a new stage. The effortless flow of romance is replaced by conscious, deliberate acts of love which require effort, commitment and inconvenience.
When this shift occurs, we have several choices. We can act like a victim, blaming the universe for setting things up this way. It’s really not fair that love fades away after tantalizing us with effortless bliss. Or we may blame our partner, ending the relationship after concluding that this was not really our soul mate. If, however, we are committed to an awake, conscious life, we may recognize this passing with some sadness but understand that the real relationship and the real learning has now begun. We may recall the words of Thoreau who said, ”If you have built castles in the air, that is fine. Now put a foundation under them.” We build the foundation brick by brick, loving act by loving act, with conscious awareness and intention. And in so doing, we truly honor the vision that our romance gave us and create an even deeper and more genuine romantic connection with our partner. As we confront the struggles and limitations in our ability to love fully, we realize the true grace of intimate relationship: we are given the exact situations and opportunities we most need for the next steps on our journey of awakening.
By being conscious and open to the messages and lessons we most need to receive, each stage of each relationship can be a wonderful vehicle for waking up. For example, if you consistently attract a certain type of unhealthy person into your life, open your heart and spirit without judgment and listen deeply. What is still unresolved within you that you need to keep re-experiencing this unhealthy behavior or feeling again and again? What about this energy is still somehow gratifying or reaffirming something within you? Is there an old part of you which still believes you deserve this? What positive shifts can you make to heal that energy within you so you can move on to attract greater love, greater fulfillment and deeper connection?
In a conscious, loving, intimate connection, partners are present with one another without judgment or unrealistic expectations. When you both understand the deeper reasons you have come into each others’ lives, you can let go of the need to make your relationship be a certain way and allow it to be what it is. You can allow your fears and wounds to come up and be healed in the soothing, loving presence of your partner. And you can walk away from the relationship if and when your inner knowingness (and not your fears) tells you it is time.
We are all born with an innate capacity to connect and love deeply. Intimate relationships are great teachers, and they bring us magical experiences at every stage of relationship.
Is your Freezer Full? by Oyinkansola Alabi
When Tayo had been incubating for about seven or eight months in my wife’s belly, we bought a deep freezer. I thought it might
be a good idea to make some dinners in advance since we had no idea how busy and tired we might be when our son arrived.
Oyin and I purchased a pack of aluminum pans and we ordered a cook to make twelve different kinds of Soup, Stew and Meals we could keep in the freezer. It’s one of the smartest things I have ever done. When Tayo was born and we wanted a “home-cooked” meal we took a pan
out of the freezer and after some minutes in the Micro wave, we had a tasty dish of some pre-made meal ready to devour. Our
birth/recovery period wasn’t nearly as difficult as what most couples describe.
How much “reserves” do you have in your relationship? Are you stocked up and prepared for the more difficult times ahead?
While all marriages face stressful situations, blissful relationships don’t really have the same lows as your average partnership. Do you know why? Couples in blissful relationships
have their freezer stocked for emergencies. I’m not talking Soup or Stew here….
If you come upon a difficult period in your relationship and you don’t have adequate “reserves” you can end up starving.
Hungry couples are edgy, irritable and are prone to arguments. If you don’t want your relationship to starve in the future, start beefing
up your reserves.
Here are some great ways to stock up your relationship freezer.
* Attend an organized marriage retreat every year or two
* Schedule regular time away just for the two of you
* Read books/magazines on marriage enrichment and discuss the concepts with your partner
* Have a weekly date night
* Find a way to grow spiritually together
Couples who have their reservoirs filled great memories, lots of shared positive experiences, wisdom gained from publications and
friends, and constant interaction are able to weather almost any
drought that their marriage might face.
So, how full is YOUR freezer 
?
The conversation within! by Oyinkansola Alabi
A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control.
She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn’t curve. By where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches and ages and numbers. By all the outside things that don’t ever add up to who she is on the inside.
And so if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become because as every woman knows, measurements are only statistics, and statistics lie.
